Reaching for the Stars

  Reaching for the Stars

  Lola Jaye

  For all those who…dream

  Table of Contents

  Cover Page

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  1. Dream, Dream, Dream

  2. Dealing With Those Negative Voices

  3. Dealing With Challenges

  4. Believe in You

  5. You Have To Be In It…

  6. Stay Focused

  7. Practice Can Make Perfect

  8. Mistakes Are OK Too

  9. Breakthrough Moments

  10. Don’t forget to live your life!

  11. One ‘No’ Too Many

  12. Reaching That Star

  13. The Sky’s The Limit

  Acknowledgments and Further Resources

  Quick Reads

  Quick Reads

  Other resources

  About the Author

  Also by Lola Jaye

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Introduction

  My hairbrush made a really good microphone as I pranced about in front of my full-length mirror singing ‘Holiday’ by Madonna. It didn’t matter that I probably sounded more like a cat with a toothache because I was going to be an international pop star!

  Of course I was!

  Or South London’s answer to the next big Hollywood movie star or perhaps a model instead. But not a catwalk one. I’d be one of the girls prancing about in black and white photo stories in teenage magazines. Now that’s a good career, I thought, especially as it would probably come with an unlimited supply of Jackie magazines!

  I admit it. I was a dreamer. In fact I still am. There’s nothing wrong with imagining yourself on a sunny beach – as you sit on a miserable wet bench waiting for the bus. There’s nothing wrong with wondering, while you stand in line at the supermarket, what it would feel like to run your own business. There’s nothing unrealistic about telling your child a story and then thinking about what it would be like to train as a teacher.

  There’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t reach for a star – or two. And I hope that by reading about my journey you will begin to believe that with plenty of work, determination and a bit of dreaming, anything can be possible.

  Lola Jaye, 2008

  1. Dream, Dream, Dream

  As I said, I’m always dreaming (even when I’m supposed to be paying attention to something else, which is most of the time). I also have a BIG imagination too. When I was little I was always thinking about what I wanted to be when I got older. I grew up with fantastic foster parents and an ever-changing number of foster children who were passing through in between other homes. So our house was always noisy with children playing. Nanny Sheila (my foster mother) would often be telling us off for jumping on chairs or fighting with each other. And there was always lots and lots of laughter.

  The only problem was, the time came when I was always the oldest child in the house because I ended up staying the longest (about eighteen years!). So, as I grew up, I began to have less and less in common with the other children. And not having anyone my own age to share things with meant I was happy to stay up in my top-floor room and be by myself. I was quite a shy person anyway, so I felt comfortable with this. Besides, writing stuff down and making up stories allowed me to create my own characters. I realized this was what I enjoyed doing most. I’d run in from school, watch a programme (or three) on TV, then get stuck into writing stories. Even so, at this time, I hadn’t fully decided that I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to become the next Madonna and then perhaps a writer!

  So what about your dreams?

  You might want to manage a department store, train as a nursery nurse or even run the hurdles in the next Olympics!

  There’s nothing wrong with reaching for the stars because if what you catch is the moon – you haven’t done too badly!

  Really, Really, Really Wanting It

  I suppose the first thing to think about is, ‘How important is this dream to me?’ Because whether or not your dream will come true can depend on how much you feel you want it. The more you want something, the more you’re willing to work that bit harder for it. This can also be said for your attitude towards your dream or goal. If your attitude is serious enough you are more likely to be committed to making it become a reality, right?

  You could say that achieving a goal is like learning to play darts. It’s not the easiest thing to hit the bull’s-eye. First you need to learn the right way to hold the dart, the best place to put your fingers and give a good aim at the target. It can then take time to learn the technique depending on how often you practise and how quickly you learn. But if it’s something you really, really, really want, you will definitely learn faster than someone who doesn’t want it that badly. You know, the person who says, ‘Well, I suppose it would be okay to hit the bull’s-eye three times in a row…but I’m not really that bothered.’ Whilst it’s your dream! I know this is an odd example, but hopefully you can see what I am trying to get at.

  Being Prepared

  Whether you’re organizing a surprise party or cooking a meal, a certain amount of planning has to go into it. For the meal, you need to make sure you have a whole lot of different things to hand, like the correct ingredients, crockery, utensils…So something as big as YOUR DREAM also deserves a certain amount of planning.

  You need to be fully prepared if you want your dream to come true.

  Putting together a list is a good way to start. It doesn’t have to be a really long list, just the key things you want to achieve. So if it is your dream to open your own restaurant, your list may look a bit like this:

  Research online/books/talk to local restaurant owners

  Get some practical experience in a restaurant

  Look at finances and put together a business plan

  After I left school, I suppose you could say I was a bit greedy, because I had to have one and a half dreams. I adored writing but I also loved the idea of helping people. Training to be a doctor was out of the question because I was way too squeamish and could not bear the sight of blood. I decided instead to study to become a psychotherapist and help people who have suffered things like a breakdown or an unhappy childhood. However, I didn’t have enough GCSEs to go into that field and, like many, I’d ‘had it’ with school. But I knew that if I wanted to help people as a psychotherapist, I needed qualifications, and that meant going on to sixth form college.

  The only good thing about it was that it wasn’t school. It would be in a different building, so it still felt like a great big adven-ture. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was embarking on something really new. And it can feel that way for you too when you are about to face something almost unknown. This fear of the unknown: you don’t know what to expect and you have no idea how things will pan out. Even at this early stage, our fears can get out of control and stop us from going any further than our lists! But don’t give into this.

  Don’t let the fear stop you at the first hurdle.

  2. Dealing With Those Negative Voices

  So you’ve (hopefully) made a list of the key points you would like to achieve on the journey to your dream. One of the hurdles I faced when I wanted to train as a psychotherapist was the cost of paying for the course. Another was people constantly telling me I was too young.

  The first hurdle I solved by applying for a career development loan, which was designed to help out with the cost of training.

  The second hurdle, about my age, wasn’t as easy. People around me would say things like, ‘isn’t she too young to train as a psychotherapist?’ And, ‘what does she know about life?’ And, ‘How can she help people?’ And this was
a lot harder to deal with. I was in my early twenties and I was struggling to understand how someone could judge me. How they could assume that, because of my age, I had no experience of life. They could at least have had a conversation with me first, before making that judgement.

  And you may find that people around you are not as supportive as you may like. The trick is to see it as THEIR problem and not yours. Perhaps you are doing something they have always wanted to do and it bothers them that you have finally taken the plunge.

  Don’t allow their feelings to get in the way as you reach for those lovely stars.

  Surprisingly enough, we can be very negative about ourselves. Especially if no one has ever told you that you were good at anything. Especially if the only time anyone has paid you any attention was when you were doing something wrong. Therefore, it’s sometimes hard to have self-belief (which I will cover in Chapter 4). But as you inch towards your dream, watch out for this list of obstacles. They might crop up as you think about the road to following your dream:

  I don’t have the time

  No money

  I don’t speak a certain way

  No experience

  I’m a bit ‘different’ to others

  I’m too young

  I am too old I can’t handle change Don’t have the energy I don’t have any skills I don’t know anything

  I am just not good enough

  I missed my opportunity years ago

  It’s too hard

  It’s too late for me to learn new things

  I don’t trust myself

  I worry about what others will think

  It’s never going to happen, so what’s the point?

  Yes, there are things we can improve on and change (like grades) but others we can’t and shouldn’t want to – like our race. So, if you do come across such barriers, don’t allow them to pitch up a tent and live in your head – fold them away!

  I have highlighted three really powerful points in the list above: ‘I am just not good enough’, ‘I don’t trust myself’, and ‘It’s never going to happen, so what’s the point?’ Sometimes everything can boil down to one or more of these three statements. It usually has something to do with our past experiences. And whilst we cannot change the past, it is important not to let it rule us as we try to move forward. For example, because you have been in prison does not mean you are destined to always be in trouble with the police. You CAN change. Be confident and believe that you are the right person. Trust yourself.

  You are good enough, and YOU have as much right to experience your dream as anyone else. You deserve to be happy. You don’t have to settle for being unhappy, sad, depressed or anything else that takes away your power to be the person you would like to be.

  Oh, and never believe those who may tell you your dream is beyond you. Just ask yourself this: How do they know? Think about it for just a moment. THEY DON’T KNOW! Hey, but try not to spend too much time trying to figure out why people might want to knock your confidence. Instead, use your energy to set out how you can work towards reaching for those stars and achieving your dream.

  Deep down, I knew that I could make a good psychotherapist. I had empathy (an understanding of what other people might be going through). I knew I wanted to help people. I was also determined not to let anything like negative comments or being broke get in the way.

  Nothing needs to be THAT impossible if you have the inbuilt desire to succeed in your goal. If Barack Obama can become president of the United States of America then anything is possible!

  3. Dealing With Challenges

  I decided to really take my childhood dream of becoming a writer seriously and try and make it a reality the day I officially became a psychotherapist. I’d been through a few personal issues and I was starting to think that life was too short and you had to try and reach for those stars as soon as you saw them. So, I sat down and thought about my hopes and dreams and what I wanted from my life. You could call this one of my Breakthrough Moments – something we will discuss in Chapter 9. And I realized I owed it to myself to begin the journey to become a writer.

  So I applied the ‘skills’ I’d used to become a psychotherapist, again starting off with a list;

  Work

  Write in the evenings and at weekends

  Read lots

  Send off sample chapters

  Get published!

  I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But like before, I decided to plan for it. At the end of my planning and as I looked at my list, I realized I could work as a psychotherapist whilst I tried to become a writer in my spare time. I was finally going to go for it. After all those stories written in my top floor bedroom, I was finally going to pursue my dream of becoming a writer!

  Yippee!

  Okay, things are never that simple. Just saying ‘I am going to do x’ doesn’t mean it’s simply going to happen. There may be big fat challenges that crop up from time to time. Like, not being able to find the time to even make a list or being told yet again that you don’t have enough experience for that job you want. If no one will give you a chance, how do you get the experience? Not having the energy to do anything other than go to bed, after a long day at work. And that good Old Faithful of emotions: Fear.

  We are all faced with challenges daily, but how we deal with them is really important. In the long run, it’s how we face challenges that can make us stronger. You may not believe it, but let me explain…

  It was a challenge the day I got my very first letter from a large publisher. I had written a few chapters of my first ever novel, called Psychobabble. I sent it off and I was confident – no, I knew – I had written something great.

  What could go wrong?

  Also, I was excited that my writing was finally being seen, because as a writer, it’s only you who really gets to read your work. So when I got a letter back from the publisher, I was so excited! I tore open that envelope really quickly, lots of deep breaths and started to read it. The Managing Director of a major publishers had sent me a personal letter! And then I read it again just to be sure I wasn’t seeing things. I just couldn’t believe what he had written back to me…Anyway, he basically said he wasn’t exactly a fan of my writing, but hey, my idea was good! Oh and he wasn’t interested in publishing my lovely novel, either.

  What?

  I was devastated.

  All I wanted to do was roll under my duvet and stay there for as long as I could. Fear began to creep in again. Perhaps I was wrong to go for my dream of becoming a writer. What if I had been kidding myself? What if I just didn’t have the ability?

  So, as well as popping up before you’ve even taken the plunge, fear can also reappear once you’re in the process of pursuing your dream.

  Actually, it’s going to pop up time and time again in the course of this book. It is such a powerful emotion. It can stop most people from taking risks and making major, potentially positive life changes. So let’s look at ways you can combat it during its early stage.

  First, ask yourself what you are afraid of. Jot down a list of all the things you fear will happen if you were to go for your dream.

  Look at each fear individually. Ask yourself what would happen if that fear came true? Then think about how you would resolve the problem if it came about.

  After that, think about all the positive things that could happen if you went for your dream, and then flip it! Start thinking about how you’d feel if you STAYED in your current situation and NEVER went for your dream. Now how does that feel?

  For me, it was horrible to receive such a knock so early on. For a few days I almost let it make me want to give up. But I knew that I didn’t want to do anything else. Writing was definitely for me. Then I unfolded the letter a few more times and began to really look at what this head honcho publishing man had said.

  And my thoughts went from:

  I’m crap at this.

  I can’t write. Full stop.

  Give up this dream.

  To:
>
  He liked my idea but the writing was rubbish.

  I can’t write but hey, I had a good idea for a book.

  He liked my idea!

  If you look at my thought process above, you can see that I’d gone from seeing this rejection as something negative to finding a sort of positive spin to it. I was able to see that fifty per cent of the problem was solved – I had a good idea for a book. I just needed to brush up my writing skills. Of course I would have preferred it the other way round, but never mind, it was better than nothing! So, one day, I felt a surge of confidence overpower me.

  If the writing wasn’t good enough, then I would improve.

  So I wrote and wrote, improving with each paragraph. I also bought a book on publishing, which said it was best to get an agent to work on your behalf to find a publisher. And that is what I decided to do. I was determined to become a published author and nothing would stop me! The saying about ‘dusting yourself off and trying again’ suddenly made sense to me. I felt energized enough to carry on. I knew that without writing, I didn’t know what I would do.

  4. Believe in You

  There may be times when it feels like no one believes in you or what you are capable of doing. So it’s important that you believe in yourself at all times. I’ve had times when I have doubted myself. I think we all do, especially when life gets too hard. But it’s a belief in your own abilities and what you are capable of that will carry you further.

  Justina Ifayemi, 28, from Milton Keynes, was really passionate about getting a job after being unemployed for some time. But with a young son and having been out of the workforce for some time, she found it hard. ‘I didn’t want to be on the dole anymore and wanted more for me and my son. I was looking for restaurant or shop work, anything. But I suppose the employers were looking for someone with something more recent on their CV and with more experience. But if no one gives you a chance – you can’t get the experience! But I wasn’t going to give up. I had to believe that I could get a job.’ Justina’s self-belief and patience soon paid off. She joined an employment agency and got a job – her first since having her son – as a care assistant in a care home, and hasn’t looked back. ‘It’s hard work and I have to get up at 5.30 every day. But it’s giving me valuable experience in the workplace and adding to my CV. Plus, I’m really enjoying it whilst knowing it’s one step towards reaching my dream which is to provide a better future for me and my son!’